Offer of Employment

“Nigeria’s official unemployment figures jumped by 30 percent this year to 16 million with another two million expected by the end of the year; less than forty percent of Nigeria’s nearly 200 million people are fully employed.”

Dear Mr. Efulefu,
Followin’ your application, dexterity and outstandin’ performance
on the recently conduct’d practical test and oral interview
you’re hereby offer’d employment as a
MALE REPRODUCTIVE OFFICER (MPO) in our prestigious firm.

Your job requirement: ‘to service and impregnate’
over 50 fertile lass currently in our payroll.
To eliminate frigidity – an unacceptable trait
we’ve enlist’d all manner, shapes and sizes
of girls for your work pleasure.

Havin’ been in Baby Factory business
for over two decades, we know what
features excite and intrigue MPOs –
youth, bootyliciousness, large breasts,
larger ass, curvy waist and pleasant looks.

No Rubber please! Wear only ‘boxers’ while on duty;
Your female co-workers short skirts without undies.
Whenever the spirit leads
you can have them/or they you without consent
none would be charg’d for molestation or rape.

Based on our Terms & Conditions of service
you’re to make no claims as biological father
now or in future even if a DNA test proves true.
You’ve a target: to produce 100 babies quarterly
(we don’t care how – threesome, Gorilla-in-the-Jungle Style etc).

Ev’ry month-end, salary will be prompt
but commissions will be calculated thus:
Male child 10% of salary, Female 5%
Twins – all Female 10%, all Male 15%, Mix’d bred 12%
Triplet – all Male 25%, Mix’d 20%, otherwise negotiable.

Free accommodation you’ll be entitl’d to –
a king-size bed and air condition’d room
So that your counterparts will have
unlimit’d and unrestrict’d access to you
24/7 – day and night, night and day.

Pills and beverages will be provid’d
to enhance stamina, fertility and productivity.
These will include: tins of custard, fresh milk
Crates of eggs, assort’d fruits, juices and energy drinks
Viagra will be part of the cocktail too.

In the course of this job
if you contract STD’s or other diseases
have heart attack, seizure or blur vision
(as a result of Viagra or other aphrodisiacs)
we’ll not be held responsible or liable.

Congratulations! We wish you an eventful
stay with us – a truly equal opportunity
non-permanent tenure, performance-based company.
(Please note: once found impotent your appointment
will be terminated hence forth).

Yours truly,
Ms. Chioma Tope-Bassey
Proprietress cum Manager
Ochoiheukwu Baby Factory Ltd.

Copyright © 2019. Ugo Nkwoala. All rights reserved. (Extract from a cartoon – “Providing Employment”. Dailysun Newspaper August 01, 2015 p.20)

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